I started 13 Reasons why at the same time most everyone else started watching it- as soon as it was released on Netflix. But unlike most people, I just finished the final episode last night, over a month since its release. It's not that the show wasn't moving, enthralling, or heart-wrenching, because it was all that and more. I couldn't watch it all at once because it made me feel things I had so deeply shoved so far out of sight, I wasn't sure I could watch it all unfold in front of me again.
I've never been in a state of mind where I contemplated not living any more- but I can say, as a woman, I have felt (on some level) the pain, embarrassment, and harassment as Hannah Baker. I vividly remember being objectified by boys in the high school hallway (hell- it still happens by random men on the street). I got comments on my body, unsolicited as I was walking to class. I got touched, and grabbed, and put in situations I still get uncomfortable thinking about today. I remember being bullied so horribly by an educator at my high school (yes- a real life, degree-baring, high school educator made me feel worthless on more than one occasion), to the point where I would avoid hallways or high school sporting events where I knew she would be. I also grew up a tomboy, a husky tomboy, and all I wanted to do was play sports with the boys- but I couldn't escape the fat-shaming, the name-calling, the bullying- even in sixth grade. Harassment, embarrassment, and pain. Something I'm sure most high school girls can attest to, but hopefully can rise above.
I can also say I was at some point, with no real intention, that I was a bully to fellow classmates. At the time I thought I said things that were ok, or things that could be dismissed, or joked about; I never meant any harm...but in hindsight, I could have said something to someone on their worst day and created a butterfly effect. And with that knowledge now, I am so deeply remorseful for the small comments I made without a thought as to how it might affect someone else. It's horrible, and absolutely gut-wrenching, for me to think that I could have said something to someone that could ruin their day, or worse- the way they view themselves. It's not easy to admit- in fact, it's mortifying to come to terms with this, but it's the truth, and I only wish I could have realized it sooner. Again, from the absolute bottom of my heart, I apologize if I ever made anyone feel anything but present, loved, and respected.
Suicide, or self-harm is an extremely hard topic to talk about: But I'm glad the conversation is becoming less taboo. I had a family member going through severe depression and self-harm, and it's not something I can easily put into words. It's also not my personal battle, so I won't divulge into details but after a long, in-depth look at myself I know I didn't make the situation any better. I didn't understand how someone couldn't love life. I thought they were simply seeking attention, and being selfish. Every day I hate that I thought those things. I truly did not understand the grip depression holds, or the depths to which it devours. Depression isn't a choice, and it's not something you can just snap out of. It's a disease that needs to be treated like one. What I've learned through my family's relationship with depression is that the scars not seen are just as deep and traumatic as the visible ones.
We can never be certain what the lives of people around us are really like. We can see their Instagram, filtered and seemingly perfect. But if you take the rose-colored glasses off, we can see that reality isn't that glamorous. If only we could all realize that social media is a filtered, adjusted, and skewed reality that has no real depth into the actual life of someone else. We, as a society, need to be more in tune to what we say and do. We think our comments made to friends or acquaintances are harmless- but we genuinely do not know the impact of our words and actions. Being conscious of how we speak, what we speak about, and to whom we speak to or of, can save our humanity (or even a life). If we take the time to listen, not just hear, and to speak instead of just talking we can better understand the lives of those around us. We can become empathetic and know when someone is crying out for help. We can make a difference- I promise you it's not too late.
Although 13 Reasons Why was hard to watch, I can not emphasize the importance of a show like this enough. There are some very real, raw, and emotionally charged scenes that I'm not sure an unstable mind could filter- but the message is important. It's not suppose to be pretty, or romantic- it's unsettling, dark, and hard to understand from the outside looking in- just like a depression in real life. I would also like to applaud Netflix for adding trigger warnings to these episodes, for those who are fighting their own inner demons. 13 Reasons Why is a show that is breaking barriers, and brings the taboo topic of suicide front and center- and I am thankful for that. We live in very uncertain times, but we also live in a time where being your true self is praised, encouraged, and celebrated...so let's not forget that each one of us has a purpose on this planet, each one of us is loved, and each one of us has the power to change the world.
I've never been in a state of mind where I contemplated not living any more- but I can say, as a woman, I have felt (on some level) the pain, embarrassment, and harassment as Hannah Baker. I vividly remember being objectified by boys in the high school hallway (hell- it still happens by random men on the street). I got comments on my body, unsolicited as I was walking to class. I got touched, and grabbed, and put in situations I still get uncomfortable thinking about today. I remember being bullied so horribly by an educator at my high school (yes- a real life, degree-baring, high school educator made me feel worthless on more than one occasion), to the point where I would avoid hallways or high school sporting events where I knew she would be. I also grew up a tomboy, a husky tomboy, and all I wanted to do was play sports with the boys- but I couldn't escape the fat-shaming, the name-calling, the bullying- even in sixth grade. Harassment, embarrassment, and pain. Something I'm sure most high school girls can attest to, but hopefully can rise above.
I can also say I was at some point, with no real intention, that I was a bully to fellow classmates. At the time I thought I said things that were ok, or things that could be dismissed, or joked about; I never meant any harm...but in hindsight, I could have said something to someone on their worst day and created a butterfly effect. And with that knowledge now, I am so deeply remorseful for the small comments I made without a thought as to how it might affect someone else. It's horrible, and absolutely gut-wrenching, for me to think that I could have said something to someone that could ruin their day, or worse- the way they view themselves. It's not easy to admit- in fact, it's mortifying to come to terms with this, but it's the truth, and I only wish I could have realized it sooner. Again, from the absolute bottom of my heart, I apologize if I ever made anyone feel anything but present, loved, and respected.
Suicide, or self-harm is an extremely hard topic to talk about: But I'm glad the conversation is becoming less taboo. I had a family member going through severe depression and self-harm, and it's not something I can easily put into words. It's also not my personal battle, so I won't divulge into details but after a long, in-depth look at myself I know I didn't make the situation any better. I didn't understand how someone couldn't love life. I thought they were simply seeking attention, and being selfish. Every day I hate that I thought those things. I truly did not understand the grip depression holds, or the depths to which it devours. Depression isn't a choice, and it's not something you can just snap out of. It's a disease that needs to be treated like one. What I've learned through my family's relationship with depression is that the scars not seen are just as deep and traumatic as the visible ones.
We can never be certain what the lives of people around us are really like. We can see their Instagram, filtered and seemingly perfect. But if you take the rose-colored glasses off, we can see that reality isn't that glamorous. If only we could all realize that social media is a filtered, adjusted, and skewed reality that has no real depth into the actual life of someone else. We, as a society, need to be more in tune to what we say and do. We think our comments made to friends or acquaintances are harmless- but we genuinely do not know the impact of our words and actions. Being conscious of how we speak, what we speak about, and to whom we speak to or of, can save our humanity (or even a life). If we take the time to listen, not just hear, and to speak instead of just talking we can better understand the lives of those around us. We can become empathetic and know when someone is crying out for help. We can make a difference- I promise you it's not too late.
Although 13 Reasons Why was hard to watch, I can not emphasize the importance of a show like this enough. There are some very real, raw, and emotionally charged scenes that I'm not sure an unstable mind could filter- but the message is important. It's not suppose to be pretty, or romantic- it's unsettling, dark, and hard to understand from the outside looking in- just like a depression in real life. I would also like to applaud Netflix for adding trigger warnings to these episodes, for those who are fighting their own inner demons. 13 Reasons Why is a show that is breaking barriers, and brings the taboo topic of suicide front and center- and I am thankful for that. We live in very uncertain times, but we also live in a time where being your true self is praised, encouraged, and celebrated...so let's not forget that each one of us has a purpose on this planet, each one of us is loved, and each one of us has the power to change the world.
Spread unconditional love, happiness, and vibrations all over the world- every single day.
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