I want to give a fair warning that this isn't my usual content. I'm very much a spreader of joy and good news and happiness- but I am also a human. And as it turns out, Maroon5 was right all along: it's not always rainbows and butterflies. So my friends, I share with you something incredibly personal, and honest. Please read on with the knowledge that my intent is not to be negative, or sad, or search for attention. Rather my intent is to write honestly and sincerely about my quest to turn my light back on.
There are times in everyone's life where it feels as though the light is fading, and as if the darkness all around us encroaches with unstoppable force. I know I'm not alone in this feeling, but for me, accepting this is extremely hard to admit. Talking about (or writing about it) is even harder for me to do because I truly thought that if I convinced myself enough, there would be no bad days. But recently I've come to the conclusion that you don't know good, if you've never met bad. Full disclosure, I've been wading in the bad since the beginning of the year, and this is uncharted territory for me. In the past I've collided with the bad every so often, a few days here and there, but the for the most part I felt like I could wake up and chose to shit rainbows and butterflies and be happy go-lucky. Turns out it's not a choice, it's just naivety to reality.
I read something the other day that kind of hit me smack in the face. "Depression is an unbelievably powerful thing. It's wild. One minute you can just be sitting there enjoying yourself and then, without even so much as a change in wind direction, your brain can decided that your world is crashing down all around you". It hit me smack in the face because this is exactly how I've been feeling for the last month. But I didn't think it was possible, could I truly be experiencing depression? I've never felt this way before, I haven't been to the doctor to confirm it, but I can't deny that it sent a ping directly to my heart and to my brain. Something has been incredibly off.
I want to be very clear- I am not writing this because I am seeking sympathy or attention, I'm writing this because I know I can't be alone in these feelings. For those that know me, I'm never without a smile or a pep in my step. I'm the one cheering people up, spreading joy and positivity - and I still am - believe me, I still am! Right now though, something inside me is just a little off and I'm trying to understand why. There has been a lot of sudden and abrupt change in my life, as we all have experienced change at one time or another, but when I look back on my past - change is something that's always been a fear of mine. I wrote previously about how little by little I'm conquering that fear, but it's challenging to recognize that growth when change hurls itself at you at the speed of light in unexpected masses. Growing up, I would sob to my mom about not wanting to move on to the next school - from elementary, to junior high, to high school. I know I'm an outlier when I say I loved my junior high and high school years, but it's true. I had some incredible educators who shaped who I am today, I was able to participate in so many activities, and most importantly, it's where I found my lifelong friends. I was devastated to leave each place because I think I knew I'd never see that part of me again, and that I was saying goodbye to places where I started to figure out who I was. By the time I was graduating high school I had a pit in my stomach - I for sure peaked at West High, I thought. It was in high school I first fell in love, and out of love. It was in high school I found a deep appreciation for education, learning, and writing. It was within those four years I just *knew* life couldn't get any better. Boy was I wrong.
As I'm writing this I'm starting to understand something: Maybe it wasn't the change that was scary, it was the unknown consequences or positives it would bring with it. If I had my way, I'd still be at Weber Elementary in Ms. Mascher's 6th grade class room studying our loathed History Alive! text books, knowing nothing about the outside world or the possibilities it held. It's then I realize how many good things change has brought me, and what each change in my path has built me to be. I am far better off, as much as I fought each change, than being an eternal 6th grader.
So here I am, finding myself alone for the first time in a very long time. After coming back to bitter cold Iowa after a friend-cation in Austin, TX that left my spirits soaring, my reality soon set in and left my heart feeling the chill of the winter outside. By the first weekend in January, my roommate had moved out to pursue her dream, and Clayton, who had just been home for three weeks, went back to school and we went back to being in a long distant relationship. That first Sunday alone I cried on the couch, right into my dog. I thought it was just a wave of emotion, something I'd let out and snap back to normal again - but that didn't happen. I pushed the sad feelings away and drowned myself in work, and went out to meet new people, and got back into podcasting and writing. Every time I could feel the sadness encroaching, I got scared and shoved it back, diving into a cleaning frenzy, or blasting music to literally tune out my own thoughts. Eventually - the feelings you've been so desperately trying to crush, will rise up out of no where and engulf you. Pretty soon I felt like my whole world was closing in on me, from feeling alone in my personal life* to impending changes at my job, and the questions that creates, I started to feel I didn't have a safe place. A place where I could go and be happy no matter what was happening around me. It gets hard when you spend all your time either at your office, or in your apartment - and suddenly, both places are causing you anxieties and fears and you can't escape it because you don't make enough money to just pack your bags and run away. So it was then, I wanted to reach out and let my friends and family know how I was feeling: right now, I am not ok. It took everything inside of me to admit that. My friends and family are incredible people who instantly reached out, called me, send me videos, funny stories, gifs, advice, etc. They were there for me, and that's why I added the * above. I know I have a support system people only dream of; but that's how I knew something wasn't right - with a world full of friends and love, I still felt alone. I find myself now, staring at a road sign that is covered in snow, unable to make out the words - I know there are directions on there, and I have two choices. I can either just wipe off the snow right now and uncover the path, or, I can just sit here and wait for it to melt. Although the answer is different for all of us, I think for me, I'm going to attempt to do a mixture of the two: I'm going to continue to listen, read and look for things that make me happy. I'm going to continue to reach out to my friends and family when I'm in need of support, a hug, or a buddy to watch Netflix with - but I'm also going to be patient, and not force a light that doesn't want to turn on right now.
If you've made it this far, I appreciate the shit out of you - know that. For anyone that's struggling like I am, you're definitely far from alone and I'm happy to just sit. chat, cry, or drink all the wine with you. I'm incredibly lucky to be loved by so many people, and that doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated. Right now, I'm just trying to let myself feel these things, accept them, and hopefully- learn from them. To my friends and family, thank you for always being there for the highs, and these lows, and all little things in between.
BTW: to anyone feeling a little lost, may I suggest some Coldplay, The Beatles, and Phil Collins - these guys have a way with words and rhythm that make your eyes well, and your heart beat louder.
There are times in everyone's life where it feels as though the light is fading, and as if the darkness all around us encroaches with unstoppable force. I know I'm not alone in this feeling, but for me, accepting this is extremely hard to admit. Talking about (or writing about it) is even harder for me to do because I truly thought that if I convinced myself enough, there would be no bad days. But recently I've come to the conclusion that you don't know good, if you've never met bad. Full disclosure, I've been wading in the bad since the beginning of the year, and this is uncharted territory for me. In the past I've collided with the bad every so often, a few days here and there, but the for the most part I felt like I could wake up and chose to shit rainbows and butterflies and be happy go-lucky. Turns out it's not a choice, it's just naivety to reality.
I read something the other day that kind of hit me smack in the face. "Depression is an unbelievably powerful thing. It's wild. One minute you can just be sitting there enjoying yourself and then, without even so much as a change in wind direction, your brain can decided that your world is crashing down all around you". It hit me smack in the face because this is exactly how I've been feeling for the last month. But I didn't think it was possible, could I truly be experiencing depression? I've never felt this way before, I haven't been to the doctor to confirm it, but I can't deny that it sent a ping directly to my heart and to my brain. Something has been incredibly off.
I want to be very clear- I am not writing this because I am seeking sympathy or attention, I'm writing this because I know I can't be alone in these feelings. For those that know me, I'm never without a smile or a pep in my step. I'm the one cheering people up, spreading joy and positivity - and I still am - believe me, I still am! Right now though, something inside me is just a little off and I'm trying to understand why. There has been a lot of sudden and abrupt change in my life, as we all have experienced change at one time or another, but when I look back on my past - change is something that's always been a fear of mine. I wrote previously about how little by little I'm conquering that fear, but it's challenging to recognize that growth when change hurls itself at you at the speed of light in unexpected masses. Growing up, I would sob to my mom about not wanting to move on to the next school - from elementary, to junior high, to high school. I know I'm an outlier when I say I loved my junior high and high school years, but it's true. I had some incredible educators who shaped who I am today, I was able to participate in so many activities, and most importantly, it's where I found my lifelong friends. I was devastated to leave each place because I think I knew I'd never see that part of me again, and that I was saying goodbye to places where I started to figure out who I was. By the time I was graduating high school I had a pit in my stomach - I for sure peaked at West High, I thought. It was in high school I first fell in love, and out of love. It was in high school I found a deep appreciation for education, learning, and writing. It was within those four years I just *knew* life couldn't get any better. Boy was I wrong.
As I'm writing this I'm starting to understand something: Maybe it wasn't the change that was scary, it was the unknown consequences or positives it would bring with it. If I had my way, I'd still be at Weber Elementary in Ms. Mascher's 6th grade class room studying our loathed History Alive! text books, knowing nothing about the outside world or the possibilities it held. It's then I realize how many good things change has brought me, and what each change in my path has built me to be. I am far better off, as much as I fought each change, than being an eternal 6th grader.
So here I am, finding myself alone for the first time in a very long time. After coming back to bitter cold Iowa after a friend-cation in Austin, TX that left my spirits soaring, my reality soon set in and left my heart feeling the chill of the winter outside. By the first weekend in January, my roommate had moved out to pursue her dream, and Clayton, who had just been home for three weeks, went back to school and we went back to being in a long distant relationship. That first Sunday alone I cried on the couch, right into my dog. I thought it was just a wave of emotion, something I'd let out and snap back to normal again - but that didn't happen. I pushed the sad feelings away and drowned myself in work, and went out to meet new people, and got back into podcasting and writing. Every time I could feel the sadness encroaching, I got scared and shoved it back, diving into a cleaning frenzy, or blasting music to literally tune out my own thoughts. Eventually - the feelings you've been so desperately trying to crush, will rise up out of no where and engulf you. Pretty soon I felt like my whole world was closing in on me, from feeling alone in my personal life* to impending changes at my job, and the questions that creates, I started to feel I didn't have a safe place. A place where I could go and be happy no matter what was happening around me. It gets hard when you spend all your time either at your office, or in your apartment - and suddenly, both places are causing you anxieties and fears and you can't escape it because you don't make enough money to just pack your bags and run away. So it was then, I wanted to reach out and let my friends and family know how I was feeling: right now, I am not ok. It took everything inside of me to admit that. My friends and family are incredible people who instantly reached out, called me, send me videos, funny stories, gifs, advice, etc. They were there for me, and that's why I added the * above. I know I have a support system people only dream of; but that's how I knew something wasn't right - with a world full of friends and love, I still felt alone. I find myself now, staring at a road sign that is covered in snow, unable to make out the words - I know there are directions on there, and I have two choices. I can either just wipe off the snow right now and uncover the path, or, I can just sit here and wait for it to melt. Although the answer is different for all of us, I think for me, I'm going to attempt to do a mixture of the two: I'm going to continue to listen, read and look for things that make me happy. I'm going to continue to reach out to my friends and family when I'm in need of support, a hug, or a buddy to watch Netflix with - but I'm also going to be patient, and not force a light that doesn't want to turn on right now.
If you've made it this far, I appreciate the shit out of you - know that. For anyone that's struggling like I am, you're definitely far from alone and I'm happy to just sit. chat, cry, or drink all the wine with you. I'm incredibly lucky to be loved by so many people, and that doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated. Right now, I'm just trying to let myself feel these things, accept them, and hopefully- learn from them. To my friends and family, thank you for always being there for the highs, and these lows, and all little things in between.
BTW: to anyone feeling a little lost, may I suggest some Coldplay, The Beatles, and Phil Collins - these guys have a way with words and rhythm that make your eyes well, and your heart beat louder.
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